Loudly the wind howled through out the small house. the night was unusually cold. too cold for the first night of fall. the rain was pelting the house. shayla was just comeing home. she had been out with her freinds all day. shayla was soaking wet. she changed her clothes and dried her hair. she went into the kitchen and fixed herself a snack. a few moments later there was a knock at the door. wondering whop it was she opend the front door. when she looked at who was there she asked,"why are you out in this kind of weather? arent you cold?"
the figure did not answer but instead knocked her to the floor and became an akuma. shayla not knowing what this creature was, tried to defend herself,but with no sucess. when all seemed lost a woman and a man dressed in black and white cloaks fought the akuma and saved its poor pitiful soul.
To Be Continued.
__________________ to fight with grace is better that fighting without balance.
The wind howled. The night was unusually cold, too cold for the first night of fall. Rain pelted the house. Shayla had just returned home from going out with her friends all day and was drenched by the rain. After she changed her clothes and dried her hair, Shayla went into the kitchen and fixed herself a snack. Moments later, there was a knock at the door. Wondering who it could be, she opened the front door. <Instead of "When she saw who was there", you might want to consider using "A dark figure stood at the door. Perplexed, she asked, 'Why are you out in this kind of weather? Aren't you cold?'">When she saw who was there she asked, "Why are you out in this kind of weather? Aren't you cold?"
The figure did not answer but instead knocked her to the floor and became an akuma <You might want to add in some description of the akuma here.>. Not knowing what this creature was, Shayla tried to defend herself, but to no avail. When all seemed lost, a woman and a man dressed in black and white cloaks fought the akuma and saved its poor pitiful soul <You might want to change the way you say that the akuma was killed? More descriptions would be apt>.
Hmm, I think you can improve on your sentence structures? Use conjunctions to create less short sentences and more long sentences. Also, commas (,) are pretty useful too. Make full use of them!
The wind howled. The night was unusually cold, too cold for the first night of fall. Rain pelted the house. Shayla had just returned home from going out with her friends all day and was drenched by the rain. After she changed her clothes and dried her hair, Shayla went into the kitchen and fixed herself a snack. Moments later, there was a knock at the door. Wondering who it could be, she opened the front door. <Instead of "When she saw who was there", you might want to consider using "A dark figure stood at the door. Perplexed, she asked, 'Why are you out in this kind of weather? Aren't you cold?'">When she saw who was there she asked, "Why are you out in this kind of weather? Aren't you cold?"
The figure did not answer but instead knocked her to the floor and became an akuma <You might want to add in some description of the akuma here.>. Not knowing what this creature was, Shayla tried to defend herself, but to no avail. When all seemed lost, a woman and a man dressed in black and white cloaks fought the akuma and saved its poor pitiful soul <You might want to change the way you say that the akuma was killed? More descriptions would be apt>.
Hmm, I think you can improve on your sentence structures? Use conjunctions to create less short sentences and more long sentences. Also, commas (,) are pretty useful too. Make full use of them!
ok i will try to keep that in mind....(english is not my best subject...XD and heck iv spoken english my whole life)
__________________ to fight with grace is better that fighting without balance.
10-08-2009, 11:22 PM
Harsh as the night. chapter 1. 
to fight with grace is better that fighting without balance. 
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